Would you like to come for dinner, and stay all night?
Wednesday 3 October 1832
Lay awake an hour and a half thinking of Miss Walker. I really do get more and more in love with her, not perhaps a little heightened by the having to wait her answer for the next six months. She has really behaved very judiciously for I believe she likes me –
Thursday 4th October 1832
At Lidgate in 1/2 hour, at 10 and staid till John Priestley came at two. She started as difficulties the not living at Cliff Hill and my intimacy with the William Priestley's, she should do as she liked about the former. It was herself, it was person not place I bared for and as soon as all was settled my giving up the P's was easy and not ural, this said she seemed reconciled and satisfied. I said I would listen to no difficulty but the pre engagement of her own heart, she declared it not engaged and talked of letting the Ainsleys have Cliff Hill as if she had determined on being with me at Shibden, yielding to all my reasons in addition to the former ones, I had said that if I survived her I could no longer remain at Cliff Hill.*
I had my arm on the back of the sofa, she leaned on it looked as if I might be affectionate and it ended in her lying on my arm all the morning and my kissing her and she returning it with such a long continued passionate or nervous mumbling kiss, and that we got on as far as we by daylight mere kissing could. I thinking to myself, well this is rather more than I expected, of course she means to take yet on pressing the hardness of my case in having to wait six months and begging for a less length of probation she held out saying her mind was quite unmade up and I must not hope too much for fear of disappointment, yet she asked me to dine with her at five and stay all night. I promised the former, very sorry could not do the latter while my father was unwell and my sister absent, thought I see I shall get all I want of her person if I stay all night.
Back at five to dinner, she had put on an evening gown and a sort of set out dinner for me I talked much of the highlands etc. while the man was there, afterwards drew near to each and she sat on my knee and I did not spare kissing and pressing, she returning it as in the morning. Yet still I was not to hope too much she said I was infatuated, when the novelty was over I should not feel the same and might not find her a companion for me, I waived all this fancying all her scruples were of this sort. On leaving the dining room we sat most lovingly on the sofa, thought her aunt would not live six months. Said she had a fancy for Eugenie if we were not ready for her by January, we were to allow her something and retain her. We were so affectionate we let the lamp go out long continued mumbling moist kissing. I prest her bosom, then finding no resistance and the lamp being out let my hand wander lower down gently getting to queer still no resistance. So I whispered surely she could care for me some little, yes then gently whispered she would break my heart if she left me.
She then said I should think her very cold (how the devil could I?) and it came out how that her affections had been engaged to one of the best of men, that they could not be transferred so soon for he had only been dead just three months and she got to crying. I begged a thousand pardons etc. etc. declared it was only thro ignorance that I had ever been so sanguine etc. etc. and thinking a scene would then come beautifully from me, seemed in a paroxysm of stupid tho deeply sighing grief and stifled tears and declared myself hopeless. Said my conduct or rather my hoping, was madness and she had no longer any reason to fear my preparing for myself nothing but disappointmen. All this was very prettily done, I however promised to see her tomorrow and we parted in all the pathos due to the occasion. I said little as I returned to poor John, musing on the curious scenes of today cold thought I! No sign of that, more likely she will try. What I can do for her before giving the answer and I don't think I can do enough, she had said that if she once made up her mind she thould herself as much as married to me for life, well I may try her or rather let her try me and go what lengths the first night I sleep there. She certainly gulled me in that I never dreamt of her being the passionate little person I find her, spite of her calling herself cold. Certainly I should never have ventured such lengths just yet with out all the encouragement she gave me, I shall now turn sentimetally melancholy and put on all the air of romantic hopelessness, if I do this well I may turn her to pity or fight off, I see good I scarce know what to make of her, is she maddish?
I must mind what I say to her, be cautious speaking of Miss Sophia Greenup said Miss Duffin, said now kiss Sophia love and mentione that I was to have brought her home but her mother luckily did not like her being under obligation to me - merely said it was Miss Hobart now Lady Vere Cameron I had with me at Hastings - hang it this queer girl puzzles me, she told me this morning of the weakness in her back for which she usus Doctor Days ointment, it was from making her walk too soon when an infant - I think a little spice of matrimony would do her good - at Lidgate from 10 to 2 1/4 then at home in 1/2 hour - saw my father and aunt, and with the workmen and back in 1/2 hour at 5 to Lidgate to dine - home in 1/2 hour at 10 1/2 -
Miss W much troubled with anonymous letters, said she would get rid of all troubles of cousins or letters when with me. She seemed quite persuaded of this, I wonder what she will say to me tomorrow -
*she shewed me letters about her cousin Edwards Atkinson, her giving him a thousand pounds on
interest. I advised five hundred and have done with it.
interest. I advised five hundred and have done with it.
Original diary pages:
https://www.catalogue.wyjs.org.uk/CalmView/Record.aspx?src=CalmView.Catalog&id=CC00001%2f7%2f9%2f6%2f15%2f125&pos=1
https://www.catalogue.wyjs.org.uk/CalmView/Record.aspx?src=CalmView.Catalog&id=CC00001%2f7%2f9%2f6%2f15%2f126&pos=1
https://www.catalogue.wyjs.org.uk/CalmView/Record.aspx?src=CalmView.Catalog&id=CC00001%2f7%2f9%2f6%2f15%2f127&pos=1
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